Emily Lam

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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Scatterbrained

I've got no brain.
“How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? I don't know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking.” -- L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
I've been all over the place this semester. So many things on my mind. Late to things I'm not normally late to. I don't know; I'm just not that sharp right now. I haven't really a chance to relax. I'm trying to relax right now, but in the back of my mind, there's a nagging unrest that I should get something done. Somehow, I've started to schedule in fun and it's not fun when I have to get it done.

It probably has to do with the amount of things I have to do. However, I have always managed to do the things I do so I'm not quite sure what's tipping the balance this semester. Classes this semester do not seem any harder, in fact they may seem easier. Senior Design has been consuming little time and my other three classes have a normal workload. I'm sailing, but that's not really a class I need to think about, it's just two hours of sailing a week. Maybe it's the GREs/Grad School stuff. Or the fact that I still think I can accomplish my personal projects: create a website, work on my light show, and create a USB rechargeable bike light. I'm also researching, but I'm not grading this semester so if I had the time to grade previous semesters, I should have the time to research. Plus, like I said, I also want to continue to do fun things. Oh, and I'm a student advisor, but that should only take ~1 hour a week -- sometimes, it does take up more hours. There's also chores, and meetings/events. I don't know, this doesn't sound like a lot or anymore than previous years. But I guess it is because I'm constantly feeling like I have something to do.

Edit: I forgot to add social commitments to the list. That has risen a little this semester but I think it's because the last few semesters and over the summer, it was at a low. But I do not think it is more than freshmen year . . .

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

What really is real?

Movies like Memento messes up my mind. It makes me wonder about what we actually know about the world. We can't trust our memories; science has proven that we have a tendency to create memories. And when you start thinking about it, we probably can't trust our vision either. I recently visited the Museum of Science where they have a Seeing is Deceiving exhibit. In the exhibit, simple things a foot away appear to be distinct colors, only to be the same colors when you approach them. It blows my mind. I'm sure a scientific explanation, involving reflection and light, for why that happens exist but it still makes you wonder. How relative everything is, especially with senses, where everything is decoded in my brain with no way to compare what's in my brain to what's in your brain.  My perception of the color black is probably not the same as yours. We may associate the same constant perception with black because that is what we are taught and because black is there and we can see it. But it's all relative. Who knows?!

As for the question in the post title? Some people will say that anything you can experience with your senses is real and anything you can't isn't. Others will say nothing is real; it's all made up. And others will say a dozen plus other things. For me though, and probably many others, the answer is I don't know. That's just an answer I don't know. Although it is fun to hypothesize answers.

For all we know, we could just be an experiment some greater being is conducting, similar to how mice are experimented on -- I doubt they know they are in an experiment. And as easily as experiments with mice are thrown out, we could be thrown out too. Our existence could be completely meaningless, just a petri dish with redundant information.

And sometimes all that can leave you feeling a little despondent. That is until you remember that you are in fact just a tiny speck in the universe and that your time here is pretty insignificant in comparison to the universe's lifespan. And that is when you realize that you are living life for the little moments that matter to you, for the causes that matter to you now, and for the changes that will effect your life and the people around you. It's a choice, you can feel very little about yourself or you can continue living as if you matter. To make your life matter to your immediate time and not the universe's time. In the end, it probably won't matter to the universe whether I choose to go down one path in life or another, but living a fulfilling life for yourself is probably more enjoyable than a dull life because in your's and mine's relative mind, a human life is still a long time, I think.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

BINGO, Fall, and Time

There's this event at my university called "Not Your Grandma's Bingo." I might've mentioned it before in a post from freshmen year. But yeah, it just bingo with some awesome prizes. My floor went when I was a freshman; it was a fun time, a bonding time. And every year after, I attend it hoping that maybe this time around I'll win something -- I'm not really a lucky person when it comes to things like bingo.

This year, I didn't win either -- no surprise. But this year, it felt really different. And it's not that everyone there was a freshmen, no, in fact, I think it was evenly split among the four years. It's something else, a very different feeling.

It's not just the bingo event. It's everything, being on campus feels different. I don't have the urge to hide in my secret outdoor hiding spots. Or sit on the BU Beach/Marsh Plaza like I use to. I don't even feel like hiding on the top floors of photonics. Everything is familiar, but different.

Fall is also nearing. And it certainly feels that way, except my brain isn't there. My brain doesn't seem to want to learn at the moment. And it doesn't seem to want to tell my body to enjoy the weather, which has been gorgeous. I want to do so much this fall, and I think I am unconsciously overwhelmed. To which, I think my body is reacting by being indifferent.

My sense of time is also really screwed up right now. I don't feel productive; I'm late to things I'm not normally late to. But I have to remember, it's only been a week of classes. Actually, less than half a week of classes. But I feel like I have been here for a while. I think it has to do with the fact that I have several decisions to make this year that I've put off for a long while.

Maybe, I'm just not eating right. Maybe, I've just been interacting too much. Maybe, I don't know.

I don't feel much like myself. I feel different. Freshmen year felt one way. Sophomore and Junior year felt another. And Senior year is starting off weird. I need to just go sit in the sun and keep to myself or something.

(Ahh, I really don't know what I want to say in this post. So I'll just end it.)